April 12, 2006

How, Exactly, Does This Mommy Thing Work? A Story of Yet Another Panic Attack

Over two years experience as a Mom and I’m still mystified that this job doesn’t require you to pass a test, or get a license. Any ol’ child-abusing crack addict can have a kid – and most do – which is why our world is so incredibly fucked up. But don’t get me started …

As a mom, I don’t seem to fit in. This could be good. Or bad. Jury’s still out. I most certainly don’t fit in with the majority of the moms I know – nor do I fit in with those friends of mine that aren’t yet moms. I seem to have fallen through the cracks somehow and I have no idea how to climb out.

I feel like I need to learn more about this whole Mommy Thing. The problem is:

I don’t watch the news because it depresses me.

I don’t read parenting books or magazines because they don’t know what’s best for me, my child, and our individual situation.

I don’t belong to a Mother’s Group because – I’ve tried twice – and the mothers annoy me with their never-ending talk of their wonderful kids, their amazing husbands, their designer bags and fancy-ass cars.

The only source of advice that I crave is my mother’s. Unfortunately, she passed away not long after my son was born, so I’m screwed.

Ninety-nine percent of the time I’m confident in my parental skills. I mean, my son is one of the best-natured, happiest, easy-going kids you’ll ever meet. I may not be doing everything right, but at least I’ve not messed up too badly - yet. So, for the most part I think I’m doing okay however I think these first two years have been the easy part and it won’t be too long before I’m in big trouble.

A few things I’m panicked about at the moment:

1. I’ve not given much, if any, thought to where my son will go to kindergarten. He’s TWO! Do I really have to decide that NOW?

2. Potty Training – it just doesn’t sound like any fun. I haven’t yet started because he’s not shown any interest – so get off my back!

3. Will my son have friends to play with in our neighborhood? We live in a wonderful, desirable, older neighborhood with tree-lined streets and fantastic homes. Problem is that there aren’t many families around us – and even fewer with small children. Are we bad parents if we choose a mature neighborhood over one filled with young families? Is that fair to our children?

I don’t know the answers to these and many other questions. I’m sure they’ll come to me at some point, some how. In the meantime, I’ll just take this motherhood a day at a time and pray to my mom to give me big-fat-in-your-face signs when I’m screwing things up.


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