April 19, 2006

It's Official

After what seems like six years of non-stop rain, the sun is shining! Today is our third day in a row of sunshine. I’ve been in sort of a funk, blaming it on the dreary weather and doing here-comes-the-sun dances in an effort to get rid of the rain. The dances worked and brought me sun, but I’m afraid my funk is still here. As much as I’ve not wanted to face it, I’m officially depressed.

I’m not surprised that I’m depressed. After all, the two year anniversary of the unexpected death of my mother is just six days away – so I’ve got good reason. I just want it to be over with.

My husband left this morning for a six day stay in Florida with his buddies. The “normal” me would have likely pulled some kind of guilt trip on him for leaving me – alone – with V to take care of, the dogs, and the house all by myself. But the depressed me didn’t put up any fight what-so-ever because, frankly, I want to be alone. I really want to wallow in this depression – hit it full force in an effort to be done with it already. Problem is that I won’t really be alone. I have to take care of V. And the dogs. All of this has made me even more depressed.

Today I had lunch with my lunch bunch. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned them before, but there’s a group of us that work together and regularly – at least 2 or 3 times a week – eat lunch together as well. I’m older than them by a good ten years. I’m the only married one in the bunch, so I really have no business hanging out with them except for the fact that I love them and enjoy their company.

During a typical lunch bunch gathering, I get to hear all of their stories about going out, seeing movies, taking weekend trips to the city, etc. I love hearing the stories because it keeps me in touch with life as it used to be. Today, however, the stories only depressed me. The topic of discussion turned to our weekend plans. At first I thought I was getting depressed because all of them actually have fun weekend plans and I don’t. But after careful consideration, I realized that my problem is that I really just want to be alone with no plans right now. And that’s not a possibility.

So now I’m faced with the task of trying to figure out how to beat this depression without getting an opportunity to wallow it away. I’ll have to get back to you on that because right now I have no earthly idea of how to tackle this. Stay tuned …

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